History Lessons With The Canafornians: The Boston B Party

October 29th, 2017

As a regular reader of this blog periodical, you are no doubt well aware of this institution’s reputation as the gold standard in historical preservation and re-telling. Yes, from our work documenting the deep rooted and often times turbulent friendship between poet and clergyman Thomas Washbourne (1606-1687) and New York Rangers scribe Stan Fischler, to our exposé on that time Jeremy Roenick punched out a cellist at an Il Divo concert he accidentally attended, you know the Canafornians stand above all else when it comes to chronicling the most consequential and extraordinary moments of the duration of this crazy planet.

Today, with the Boston Bruins in Calgary to take on your upstart (sure) Flames, we thought we’d delve deeper into one of the more infamous moments in that city’s history. We are of course discussing the Boston B Party, sometimes more famously referred to as “HAHAHA THE BRUINS DID WHAT???”

Follow us back in time as we revisit the key players and dates in a revolution that shook the very fabric of the Boston Bruins.

The Boston B Party was a debasing and quixotic protest by Boston media professionals against former Boston Bruin Douglas Hamilton in support of their jobs and loyalty to King Neely’s malevolent rule. It was a culmination of the Bruin’s ineptitude under new management and the media’s inability to publicly question the inanity of the regime’s new era of decision making, thus leading to a revolt both uninspiring and utterly superfluous.

The revolt centered around Bruins defenseman Douglas Hamilton (pictured above), who had recently been shuttered out of town by General Sweeney, recently promoted to lead the Bruins army after deposing and exiling his predecessor in some grim and untenable shithole out west. Sweeney, new to a leadership role and virtually incapable of formulating any kind of strategy, sent Hamilton packing, dispossessed before seeking employment with the West Calgary Trading Company, sometimes referred to as the Flames.

The extradition of Hamilton left many around Boston puzzled and forlorn, and inquiries into the matter were met with vast indifference by General Sweeney, who is a floundering moron with salt in his brain and garments stuffed into his codpiece to make it appear more pronounced. Supporters of the troops assembled by Sweeney were angry that they were trading assets without a worthy representative at the helm.

Seeing a storm brewing that would be nearly impossible to quell, patriots like Joseph Haggerty formed a coalition of unhinged fanatics, disguised themselves as legitimate journalists, and went forth to accomplish the impossible: Throw Hamilton under the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority bus.

By “exposing” Hamilton as an unlikable shrew, not of the level of reverence as that of legendary Boston soldier Shawn Thornton. Too uppity to be a higher Lieutenant. Unanimously loathed by his compatriots to ever lead them into battle against their foes.

The Boston public, perhaps unpredictably based on their love of the Dropkick Murphys, celebrated racism, and inability to decipher a “soft” player as a “good” one, perhaps distracted by the phyiscal protrusion that was Bradley Marchand’s nose, all fell prey to it, and believed, inexplicably, that they were better off without their dashing young rogue, despite his being poised to go down in history as one of their organization’s greatest tacticians.

History has proven time and time again the people of Boston deserve it.  Be it an unnatural love of Dunkin’ Donuts and beans, to the uncanny fact of every born and bred Boston resident being named Sully, bad things are supposed to happen to the people of Boston, and no one really seems to mind. The Boston B Party was the latest in a series of gaffes that are well positioned to forever doom the Bruins franchise and their ardent supporters, and you know what?

That’s a wicked good thing.