The Top 600 Things About Jarome Iginla

September 12th, 2016

Jarome Iginla rules. You know it, I know it, Jeanshorts knows it. I don’t think Joe W. Garrett, Deputy Co-commissioner of Revenue at the Alabama Department of Revenue knows it, but we’re determined here at the Canafornians to wear that doubting son of a bitch wrong.

As it happens, Jarome and his really hilariously not very good Colorado Avalanche host your heroic and also not very good Calgary Flames tonight, and wouldn’t you know it, ol’ Iggy is stuck on 599 goals in his illustrious career heading into action tonight.

The hockey gods need to do their job tonight and allow Jarome to score his 600th goal against the team who brought him to the dance (thanks again, Dallas!), but the hockey gods are fickle shitheads that laugh in our face after we complain about their impropriety. Hoe many goals does Sam Bennett have to have taken away from him before this team has it’s curse lifted?

Regardless, there are a billion amazing things about Jarome Iginla, and I thought, in honour of his impending 600th goal, I’d list off, you guess it, 600 of those things. I’m pretty sure I’m serious. Here goes!

  1. One time I was driving through Mount Royal and I saw him and his son riding a tandem bike and that’s incredible
  2. A few years back, he injured then Oiler and always blockheaded grease factory Sheldon Souray and put Souray out of action for quite some time. Souray returned to the ice against the Flames, and when trying to exact revenge on the Flames all time everything leader, I’m pretty sure Souray broke his hand on Iggy’s magnificent head.  (that last part may or may not be true)
  3. I’ll bet he smells nice
  4. one of his many middle names is Arthur
  5. He has never been in the band Def Leppard
  6. Did you ever see the Back To The Future trilogy? Iggy probably did too.
  7. I like to think he hates Eric Francis as much as the rest of us do
  8. His house in Calgary was as awesome as he was
  9. ARMBAR!
  10. Homey has 2 Olympic Gold Medals
  11. One of his middle names is Leigh
  12. One of his middle names is actually Arthur Leigh and not Arthur and Leigh separately, but 600 items is a lot of things
  13. He made Bruins fans sad when they thought he was traded to them in 2013, only for everyone to learn that he had been traded to Pittsburgh instead
  14. He accomplished basically nothing in Pittsburgh, which is awesome, because they deserve bad things to happen to them
  15. So does Boston. Thanks for Dougie!
  16. That one year he teased us with dreadlocks
  17. He doesn’t play guitar, but if you shout Freebird at him, he totally plays the solo
  18. He holds the record for the fastest time ever to complete Mario 3 for NES
  19. His peach cobbler is to die for
  20. One of his middle names is Adekunle (goddamn it he’s cool)
  21. Man, have you seen that forehead crease?
  22. The man murders pucks. His half wall one timer is a registered weapon.
  23. Nobody would know who Craig Conroy or Dean McAmmond
  24. The Shift:
  25. The fact that making me reminisce about Iggy is getting me all misty eyed
  26. Shut up, you would too
  27. He’s also a gold medalist at the World Junior Champs, where he was A FORCE
  28. ARMBAR!
  29. You won’t believe what #444 on this list is
  30. Jarome is a 2 time 50 goal scorer in the deadest of dead puck eras
  31. If you had a flat tire and were stranded on the side of the highway, Iginla would stop traffic with a stern look, lift your car up with one hand, change the tire with the other, and send you on your way to work with a note for your boss that you’re late for good reason
  32. discovered penicillin
  33. Jarome Iginla would prefer that you do not check the accuracy of some of these list items
  34. Iginla torched the Oilers during his time in Calgary, to the point where they have to try to diminish his greatness by saying a lot of his goals are empty netters, like he didn’t just annihilate your stupid loser team with a couple of goals before that
  35. He isn’t Ben Mulroney
  36. He would beat up your Dad but only if he had it coming
  37. One of his middle names is Tig
  38. I have no idea why he never had Tiginla as a nickname
  39. He was the first ever black man to captain an NHL team, which is pretty incredible when you think about it
  40. He scored 30 or more goals for 11 straight seasons, was JUSTshy of making it 13 years with the two seasons before, and was a shade off of doing it for 15 seasons in a row if you don’t count the third Bettman lockout season (to say nothing of losing a year and a half and wondering how many goals he could have scored during that time)
  41. EL KABONG
  42. His forehead crease is the source of all his power
  43. I may have mentioned the forehead crease already
  44. I have definitely already mentioned the forehead crease
  45. He is not Murray Baron
  46. I’ll bet he fucking LOVES Fresh Prince of Bel Air
  47. he can memorize pi up to like 80 points, which is a lot
  48. Wrote Pride and Prejudice
  49. One of his middle names is Junior
  50. Won a World Cup of Hockey championship once (remember that?!?!?!)
  51. He’s always around to help you remember Hnat Domenichelli was a thing
  52. Once piloted a weather balloon to Jupiter
  53. One of his nicknames is fucking ELVIS
  54. It’s Elvis, not fucking Elvis
  55. Do not fuck Elvis, he is dead
  56. ARMBAR!
  57. He one a World Championship once too (I always forget this one)
  58. Era adjusted goal scoring totals make him a Top 5 all time goal scorer
  59. Six time All Star, y’all! Suck on that, John Scott.
  60. One time I had a dream that Iggy and I were unicorns who ended the Six Hundred Year War, which was not a real war
  61. Iginla has better gravity
  62. I can’t believe I have to do this 538 more times
  63. Did you ever have to write lines in school for detention?
  64. I never did.
  65. This would be so much easier if I had done that
  66. Really makes you think. Like I’d be a better blog list writer if I had been more of a deviant in my school days
  67. But of course, in that case I’d just be doing the same line over and over again.
  68. Anyway, back to Iggy
  69. This number is nice
  70. Iggy wears knockoff RayBans, but they look better and last longer on his face
  71. If he were a luchador, his name would be Iggy El Rey De Fuego
  72. If he were a hockey player, his name would be Jarome Iginla
  73. Vintage:
  74. Jarome Iginla is not Jon Lovitz
  75. If Jarome Iginla were Jon Lovitz, he’d be The Critic, Jay Sherman
  76. Rest assured one day Jarome Iginla will kill Adam Sandler
  77. Iginla has a garden and everything grows in it regardless of region or climate or soil type
  78. Join The Army
  79. getting ready to drink coffee
  80. making coffee
  81. wanting a coffee
  82. Jarome Iginla once saved a young man from driving home drunk and saving a coffee loving dad from certain heartache
  83. Jarome Iginla could absolutely steal your girlfriend, but he won’t.
  84. Instead, he will help counsel you until you work out your issues
  85. Iginla knows the way to a fruitful and prosperous relationship is through communication
  86. ARMBAR!
  87. Jarome Iginla saw Revenge Of The Nerds once and thought it was just okay
  88. Jarome Iginla was part of a Top Secret Military Operation called [redacted]
  89. [redacted]
  90. [redacted]
  91. [redacted]
  92. [redacted]
  93. Iginla’s favourite kind of bear is polar
  94. his favourite kind of beer is polar
  95. [redacted]
  96. [redacted]
  97. [redacted]
  98. did you ever notice how the word bed in fact looks like an actual bed?
  99. Jarome Iginla made that happen
  100. Holy shit we still have 500 more of these.
  101. Congrats on reading this far
  102. Save me Iggy
  103. I’m in over my head here
  104. You scored too many damn goals
  105. Why couldn’t I do a tribute to Chuck Kobasew instead?
  106. If Iggy scores 600 tonight I’m going to lose my mind
  107. Hey remember this?
  108. I’m just saying if Zdeno Chara makes you do a victory lap, you take that fucking victory lap
  109. [redacted]
  110. [redacted]
  111. [redacted]
  112. [redacted]
  113. [redacted]
  114. [redacted]
  115. [redacted]
  116. [redacted]
  117. [redacted]
  118. wow apparently that military project was really in-depth
  119. ARMBAR!
  120. I’ve always wanted to get a Lab puppy and name it Jarome Iginlab
  121. If you steal that idea from me I will fucking murder you
  122. I’ll kill you with a Jarome Iginla slapshot
  123. Hey, remember that time Dennis Wideman fell on nothing during the shootout? That wasn’t Jarome Iginla
  124. [redacted]
  125. seriously, fuck this list
  126. What if Jarome Iginla were on Friends?
  127. He’d probably hate Ross
  128. I hate Ross
  129. How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale is the autobiography of adult film star Jenna Jameson. Jarome Iginla has not read it
  130. Jarome did read Catcher In The Rye, and he understands it’s place on the literary totem pole
  131. What’s a literary totem pole?
  132. Man, I really want a bagel.
  133. I found a bagel place over on the corner of Elbow and Heritage that makes “Montreal Style” bagels.
  134. They’re not totally legit, but they’re better than the stuff they sell at Coop.
  135. That reminds me, Iggy’s got chops:
  136. This one is good too
  137. This one actually kinda sucks
  138. This one sucks, but that’s not Iggy’s fault
  139. He would and always will absolutely destroy Markus Naslund, and don’t you forget it
  140. Iggy has no real strong opinions on bread
  141. If given the chance to turn a rainbow into a slide, and then ride that slide, you better believe he would ride the rainbow slide
  142. Jarome Iginla does not own a cowboy hat even though Calgary basically demands you wear one at all time
  143. Jarome Iginla hated Chuck Norris memes
  144. Jarome Iginla roundhou
  145. Never mind
  146. How about you, how are you guys doing?
  147. That’s good.
  148. Everything okay at home?
  149. Glad to hear it.
  150. Hey, I forgot to tell you, I ran into Jason Zabatsky the other day, and oh god does he look bad
  151. But he says hey
  152. [redacted]
  153. AW HELL YEAH IGGY DANCE
  154. Since 2002, he has operated the Jarome Iginla Hockey School in Calgary as a non-profit organization, donating proceeds to the Diabetes Research Association.
  155. ARMBAR!
  156. (I have no idea if that hockey school still exists)
  157. I went to a Trevor Kidd goalie school once
  158. If you’re wondering, it did not get me closer to the NHL
  159. Curtis McElhinney was in that class with me. He made it to the NHL
  160. Curtis McElhinney played with Jarome Iginla.
  161. Jarome Iginla was far more important to his team than Curtis McElhinney
  162. Fuck Curtis McElhinney
  163. Fuck Trevor Kidd, while we’re at it
  164. I stole this next bit from Wikipedia
  165. In 2002, while in Salt Lake City for the Winter Olympic Games, Iginla struck up a conversation with four Calgarians sitting next to his table, and found out they were sleeping in their car outside of the hotel. He excused himself from the conversation, and booked them accommodations at his own expense at the hotel his family was staying in.
  166. How awesome is that?
  167. You know who wouldn’t do that? Jeremy Roenick
  168. WOULD YOU J.R.?
  169. Anyway, Iggy is a good dude.
  170. I definitely wouldn’t get any of you any hotel accomodations if I were in that situation.
  171. I would let you die there in Salt Lake City, which is worse than Hell
  172. If there airport is any indication, anyway.
  173. Lucky for you, Jarome is a much better dude than I am
  174. I wonder how bad cookies would taste if you put toothpaste in them
  175. [redacted]
  176. [redacted]
  177. Jarome never once punched any of those idiots who insist on calling him Jerome
  178. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW BY NOW? HE’S ONE OF THE FINEST PLAYERS OF HIS GENERATION AND HE’S BEEN AROUND FOREVER
  179. No one ever calls him Sydney Crosby
  180. Jerks
  181. Jarome’s sister played two seasons of hockey with the University of Saskatchewan Huskies, but seeing as that was in Saskatchewan, legally, we are not allowed to care.
  182. Jarome is probably down with Blink 182
  183. Blink 183 is right out.
  184. Jarome somehow lost out on Rookie of the Year to Jim Campbell, despite WHO THE FUCK IS JIM CAMPBELL
  185. He still thinks the movie Rookie Of The Year is terrific
  186. Funky But Lovin’
  187. Did he just say “Funky Butt Lovin’”?
  188. Jim Campbell drives a cab now, maybe.
  189. Jarome Iginla was in Degrassi High, except he wasn’t
  190. Jarome Iginla loves bees
  191. Iggy is 38 years old, but still plays with the heart and tenacity of a 36 year old
  192. ARMBAR!
  193. yes, Jarome has seen The Force Awakens
  194. He’d tell you more about it, but he’s very concerned about not being Spoiler Alert Guy
  195. It’s ya boi
  196. Iginla puts the orange flavoured tree shaped air freshener in his car. He likes citrus
  197. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU
  198. How many Rocket Richard trophies do you have? Jarome has 2. No big deal
  199. 🔥 🔥 🔥 Vancouver
  200. Iginla donates $2,000 to the children’s charity Kidsport for every goal he scores, because he is adorable and awesome
  201. How many Memorial Cups do you have? Iginla has 2. No big deal.
  202. If Jarome Iginla were a car, he’d be a Lotus but also a pickup truck
  203. Yep
  204. I hate this list so much right now
  205. No lie, I still have the Iggy Dance song stuck in my head
  206. lmao Tencer
  207. Jarome developed permethrin, a common synthetic chemical, widely used as an insecticide, acaricide, and insect repellent
  208. Don’t fact check that
  209. Hot dogs
  210. Oatmeal
  211. Owls
  212. Umlauts
  213. Three Hole Punches
  214. Wood
  215. Other types of wood
  216. Can you imagine how boring it would be to work in a rebar plant?
  217. I’ll bet they have great benefits though
  218. I have no idea why, but this is the most expensive Iginla related thing on ebay
  219. Literally zero idea as to who would spend that much money on that
  220. This is the cheapest thing, but there’s still lots of time to bid
  221. THIS IS A DAMN GEM
  222. Kill your boss
  223. Who said that?
  224. Iggy never falls for updog
  225. He got BOFA’d once, but now he knows better
  226. [redacted]
  227. I regret every decision I’ve ever made right now
  228. If you’re still reading this, I am either impressed or worried
  229. I’m not impressed
  230. But let’s get through this together
  231. Maybe if I start drinking this will go better
  232. Shout out to leprechauns everywhere
  233. So a horse walks into a bar
  234. The horse is tranquilized and removed from the bar because it’s not sanitary for a horse to be in a bar
  235. this joke courtesy master joke teller Floob
  236. I’m going to wear my Iginla jersey for the game tonight, despite his status on the other team and the fact that the game is in Denver
  237. Just try and stop me
  238. It’s a retro third jersey, which is the best jersey after Ol’ Blasty
  239. There will be no argument accepted against the amazing aesthetic of an Ol’ Blasty Flames jersey
  240. I need some juice or a granola bar or something
  241. Bees?
  242. Iggy was a First Team All Star three times
  243. the fact that it’s only three times is indeed bullshit
  244. Elliotte Friedman does lists like this, but he ends them at 30
  245. At first I thought that was a cop out, but I’m really starting to see the value in that.
  246. Still though, 30? I got 600 you motherfu
  247. I’m angry now
  248. Jarome also has a Lester B. Pearson trophy to his name, which is cool, because that award is voted on by the players
  249. Most awards are voted on by the members of the Pro Hockey Writing Association, a fraternity of idiots who frequently staple their own hands to their ear lobes
  250. They are also journalists. Journalists are defined as “petty whiners who do not know how to deal with their own impending irrelevance”
  251. Anyway they genera;y vote on most player awards, because they somehow have clout with the league, and also some kind of asinine notion collectively shared among them that says that a degree in journalism somehow makes you a hockey expert
  252. People like Steve Simmons and Eric Francis, basically.
  253. ARMBAR!
  254. (I really went off on the media there, didn’t I?)
  255. Good, they deserve it because they are bad people
  256. The media had Jarome Iginla traded out of town for about 12 years before it ever actually happened. Good work, guys.
  257. Iggy got traded the night of my birthday and it was the super saddest thing to ever happen
  258. I went to the game thinking “HEY, this might be the last time I ever see Iggy in a Flames uniform”
  259. They couldn’t even give me that.
  260. I was meeting my friends who were accompanying me to the game for some pre-game drinks at the Ship and Anchor, and I was taking a bus downtown to get there
  261. I had my headphones in, bothering no one, just looking at my phone when I saw the words on twitter that will haunt me forever
  262. “Jarome Iginla is a healthy scratch for tonight’s game against the Avalanche”
  263. I just knew, man.
  264. I’ve seen crazy shit on a bus before, but people generally react better to those scenarios than they did when out of nowhere I yelled “FUCK!” after reading the news.
  265. Anyway, that was a kick in the balls.
  266. Wayne Gretzky was at that game and I still have no idea why
  267. My friend Dan ate an entire plate of nachos to himself at the Ship and Anchor that night. It was pretty impressive, because that’s not a small plate.
  268. Dan is an Avs fan, so let’s never speak of him again.
  269. Speaking of the Avs, Jarome Iginla plays for that team and it makes me sad, but remember when people were thinking “hey what if he goes to Vancouver????”
  270. I’m jut saying, it could be worse.
  271. Remember the Iginla – Sakic – Gagner line at the 2002 Olympics? Holy shit.
  272. He wasn’t even supposed to be there, but he ended up being one of the most dynamic players on the entire team.
  273. Way more dynamic than Ed Jovanovski.
  274. Way more.
  275. The video of Jarome scoring that shorthanded breakaway goal in the 2004 Finals against the Lightning is really hard to find.
  276. Anyway, Iggy really lit up Khabby’s shit on that one.
  277. #ItWasIn
  278. Speaking of 2004, Iggy was possessed. That had to be one of the most dominant one man shows in a playoff year ever, and who knows how early into the first round the flames would have been knocked out if he weren’t there
  279. Remember 2004 quietly amongst yourselves, we all know how it goes.
  280. I will say, though, an Iggy playoff beard should really look better than this
  281. Still better than Crosby’s, I guess
  282. Iggy was on fire in the 2004 playoffs, which makes sense, because he played for the Flames
  283. you definitely listened to this, don’t pretend like you didn’t
  284. PUT YO C’S UP!
  285. Did anyone ever actually chill with Jarome at the Dome though?
  286. In related news, fuck this forever
  287. (we don’t have Iggy or Oil at all anymore)
  288. I do want an Iggy bobblehead
  289. I also want this list to be done
  290. [redacted]
  291. [redacted]
  292. [redacted]
  293. [redacted]
  294. [redacted]
  295. [redacted]
  296. [redacted]
  297. military stuff
  298. [redacted]
  299. HALFWAY THERE!!!
  300. halfway?!?!?!?!
  301. please kill me
  302. why did I do this, what was
  303. help
  304. help me
  305. save me jarome
  306. [redacted]
  307. [redacted]
  308. [redacted]
  309. [redacted]
  310. [redacted]
  311. ARMBAR!
  312. [redacted]
  313. you guys don’t care if I just skip over large swaths of this, do you?
  314. good.
  315. [redacted]
  316. [redacted]
  317. [redacted]
  318. [filler]
  319. [no killer]
  320. Sum 41
  321. Jarome liked Sum 41
  322. I have no way of backing that up
  323. [redacted][redacted]
  324. help
  325. Please let Iggy score 600 tonight
  326. It’s so fitting
  327. It would be more fitting if it were in Calgary and he played for the Flames
  328. But I’ll take what I can get
  329. forehead crease
  330. forehead crease
  331. forehead
  332. crease
  333. goddamn it
  334. ARMBAR!
  335. I wrote stuff in all those spaces, I promise
  336. I just did it in a font that was so small, it can’t be seen by the naked eye
  337. or computer programming languages
  338. okay I just left them blank
  339. There was so much open space there it must look like what Iggy sees whenever he’s about to take a shot on net
  340. Just Snipe City
  341. That’s the name of the Biography I’m going to write about Jarome one day
  342. Just kidding, you know what it’s going to be called:
  343. Forehead Crease
  344. Alternate title: Jarome Really Hates Eric Francis: The Jarome Iginla Story
  345. It will be better than those Mark Spector books
  346. I want to say it’ll be better than Theo’s book
  347. So I will
  348. Yeah take that, Theo
  349. Sure, my book on Iggy won’t contain a glimpse into the inner demons and personal traumas Theo Fleury had to endure on a day to day basis as he came to grips with his own addictions and mental anguish
  350. Mine will be a pop up book
  351. Who doesn’t love a good pop up book?
  352. You flip the page over, and BAM! A pop up of a Jarome clapper getting you right between the teeth
  353. It won’t be a real puck, so your teeth should be fine
  354. Unless you practice poor oral hygiene
  355. But that is hardly my fault. That is hardly Iggy’s fault.
  356. Take some pride in your teeth, man
  357. Unless you play hockey for a living, then that’s a badge of honour
  358. Yes I still have the Iggy Dance stuck in my head
  359. When I started this list I was a young man with promise and unbound potential
  360. Like a young Jarome Iginla
  361. Now I am me
  362. Like a young Sasha Lakovic
  363. Fuck it, here’s the Sasha Lakovic video:
  364. That counts because Iginla was there, man
  365. Christ, the young Guns were bad
  366. Except for Iggy
  367. I mean Marc Savard was there for a little bit, but it was before he was Marc Savard, naw’meen?
  368. Rene Corbet sucked
  369. Aaron Gavey sucked
  370. Todd Simpson was nice
  371. Todd Hlushko sucked
  372. Ladislav Kohn was cool
  373. Rico Fata sucked
  374. Daniel Tcakzuk sucked
  375. Freddie Brathwaite was cool
  376. Val Bure was fine
  377. ARMBAR!
  378. Kevin Constantine sucked
  379. Clarke Wilm was cool
  380. Ed Ward is the greatest ever
  381. I would trade Jason Weimer and a 3rd round pick for a 5th round pick
  382. FLAMES BRAWL
  383. Man, Iggy whomped some real Duck ass in that one, didn’t he?
  384. Man, Craig Berube really sucked
  385. Jeff Friesen sucked
  386. Robyn Regehr was cool
  387. Mike Vernon was short
  388. I think I heard somewhere one time that Iggy liked Nickelback. I don’t know why I know that, but you could say that this is how you remind me
  389. Sorry
  390. I wonder how many times Peter Maher said the name “Iginla” over the course of his career
  391. Whatever the number was, that was the exact number of times it was awesome
  392. I wonder if we can go back in time and have Iggy take a slap shot that hits Kelly Hrudey so hard that he evaporates into the ether forever, and then we’d never have to endure him as the Flames colour commentator.
  393. Goddamn that would be sweet.
  394. For more on this number, please see #29.
  395. If Iggy could somehow prevent Loubo and Wills from doing Flames related anything forever, that too would be real solid.
  396. Rick Ball is cool though.
  397. Bring back Zombie Whalen.
  398. I’ll bet Iggy would have loved Stampede Wrestling back in the day.
  399. He’d have been a Gama Singh fan, because someone had to be.
  400. I wish Iggy was my coach.
  401. One year we had Rhett Warrener’s brother as an assistant coach on my team
  402. He never showed up
  403. In retrospect, that was probably cool
  404. No one ever says “you should play hockey THE WARRENER WAY”
  405. D’aww baby Iggy!
  406. Sploosh, am I right?
  407. I mean obviously
  408. Way better than a money phone
  409. Whoops, that’s angry Roman Turek
  410. Also known as Roman Turek
  411. I remember one time NHL.com did a thing where they took some NHL players and posted their picture next to their celebrity doppleganger
  412. They put Iginla up there next to Mike Tyson
  413. That is some racist ass shit right there, NHL.com
  414. to the surprise of no one, really
  415. I’ll bet Iggy could beat Mike Tyson
  416. What do you think about that, Will Smith?
  417. Will Smith thinks “Hey I’m in a movie about concussions, so I don’t want to talk about it”
  418. Will Smith is kinda being a dink about this
  419. I’m going to skip more numbers now
  420. I mean write more facts in really small font
  421. like really small
  422. but first
  423. ARMBAR!
  424. okay here we go
  425. Not exactly a vintage Iginla moment to hit that milestone, but we’ll take it.
  426. I do remember that earlier in that game Iggy assaulted a puck worse than I’ve ever seen in my life and I thought that was going to be the one, and it would have been perfect.
  427. But he dented the crossbar instead
  428. That net is dead now
  429. But now he’s on the verge of 600 goals
  430. because he’s the best
  431. Holy shit guys we’re almost there
  432. This is the home stretch
  433. there’s no way any of you are going to read this whole thing before gametime
  434. That’s on you. not on me
  435. I worked really hard on this and you’re callously dismissing it
  436. I’d read your stuff
  437. No I wouldn’t
  438. I am unhinged
  439. Save me Jarome
  440. forehead crease
  441. [redacted]
  442. Seriously, join the army
  443. Remember when Bart and his friends were in a boy band that was actually a military recruitment propaganda vehicle?
  444. they made Lenny join the army
  445. But then N*Sync saved the day
  446. Iggy would have saved the day too, but he was busy that week
  447. Iggy should be on the Simpsons
  448. It would have to be better than most of the episodes that show has done in the past, what, 21 years?
  449. If Iggy had only ever scored 525 goals, we’d be done now
  450. But it’s cool, I like that he has more
  451. Although a good chunk of those 99 goals are from Pittsburgh, Boston, and Colorado and like
  452. I’m supposed to care about that?
  453. No, I’m way too sad
  454. Fuck Andy Warhol
  455. Fuck Paul Revere
  456. Fuck whoever is famous from Colorado
  457. John Denver will do in a heaertbeat
  458. That John Denver was full of shit
  459. Obligatory.
  460. Remember when Jarome broke his thumb?
  461. That was gross.
  462. I won’t post the picture
  463. Not because it’s too gruesome or I’m worried about your precious feelings
  464. Mostly because I’m almost done and I don’t want to search for shit anymore
  465. You look for it
  466. I’m just here writing blogs
  467. forehead crease
  468. 2004 was nuts, man
  469. #ItWasIn
  470. IT WAS!
  471. Do you think if Iginla had an identical twin brother, they would have both played for the Flames and then there would be identical twin brother rivalries in already established sports rivalry towns?
  472. I mean I haven’t done the research, but that would have to be unprecedented
  473. Jarome’s identical twin brother would have been named Bowser
  474. And they would have eaten the Sedins.
  475. Like, immediately
  476. I guess it wouldn’t have been much of a rivalry in the end
  477. Still would have counted though.
  478. If the Sedins were only one person I’ll bet they would have been only okay
  479. Jarome would have killed the lone Sedin child
  480. His name would have been Per Olaf
  481. Because Henrik and Daniel are names for twins
  482. That’s a known fact.
  483. Do you think Shawn Thornton tried to give Iginla advice about what it means to be a hockey player in Boston, ony to have Iggy look at him, sternly, with a calculated, cold, steely forehead creasy gaze, and in the calmest fashion ever, say “Who are you?”
  484. I’ll bet Joe Haggerty thought that.
  485. That guy sucks
  486. Hey remember how Iggy would set the world on fire if you got him mad? Like he never played better than he did when we was pissed off?
  487. I always thought the Flames should have hired a guy to wait outside the dressing room, and once Iggy emerged, that guy would punch him right in the mouth
  488. I mean it’s a dick move, but he would be putting up 60 goals a year on the regular
  489. But then this list would be WAY longer
  490. So in a way I’m kinda glad they never did that
  491. Are you still reading this?
  492. You might be, because this seems like a good spot to arbitrarily jump back into the article and pretend like you read the whole thing because you can be like “haha #568 is gold”
  493. Even though 568 wasn’t very nice at all
  494. You don’t get anywhere taking short cuts in life
  495. Well, that’s not true, everyone does, you’re just supposed to think it doesn’t work for some reason.
  496. Look at Eric Francis
  497. Jarome hates that guy, but that guy is immensely successful based solely on shortcuts
  498. Afforded to him through nepotism
  499. I’ll bet that asshole thinks Jarome is his friend
  500. I remember when he wrote a story that was basically him verbatim copying the words Rhett Warrener said on the radio about how Iggy doesn’t care anymore, and then Iggy went out the next game and crushed it, like he’s wont to do.
  501. And Francis and all his idiot friends were like “Look at what we did”
  502. You sure did, guys, you sure did.
  503. And then they all creamed their pants
  504. Like they always do.
  505. Not Jarome though. He went back to work like he always does.
  506. And now he’s on the verge of scoring 600 goals.
  507. That guy needs a Stanley Cup real bad. At this point I don’t even care who he wins it with.
  508. Well okay, not Edmonton.
  509. Or Vancouver.
  510. Or Toronto.
  511. I just laughed at the notion of any of those teams winning a Cup in the remaining few seasons Iggy has left
  512. I mean Connor McDavid can’t even keep his shoulder unbroken. You can’t lift a Cup that way.
  513. Most other teams it would be fine if he won a Cup with though.
  514. Except Anaheim. Or LA. Or Minnesota. Or Tampa.
  515. I guess Calgary would be fine.
  516. I mean, #12 is just sitting there, waiting for him.
  517. There are other players here now. He could be a power play specialist.
  518. He’d be way better than Joe Colborne.
  519. Who wouldn’t be, at this point?
  520. Whoa we’re almost done
  521. Iggy best!
  522. All hail Iggy!
  523. Go get 600 Iggy!
  524. Freeze your sperm and lock it in a vault in case we need it somed

HEY HEY! We made it! And the game hasn’t even started yet.

If you didn’t make it all the way through the list, just rest assured that it was well thought out and informative and you loved it very much.

Go Iggy forever.

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