Hey Kurz, F**k You: A Love Letter

November 5th, 2015

Another year, another year of “Patrick Marleau Is Going To Leave The San Jose Sharks For Good Because He Is The Source Of All Of Their Problems” and all I have to say is, fuck off Kevin Kurz.

“Yeah so the San Jose Sharks are the only reason that I’m not a Subway Sandwich Artist, but I’m going to make up bullshit about their franchise player just to remind you that no matter how hard you work to get a job in this industry, my baseless lies are going to keep me in business and you’ll just have to keep writing for your small time blogs until your eyes bleed and you realize that chasing after a hockey job is a waste of time” – Kevin Kurz

That quote is 100% true, or maybe it isn’t, I’m just going to say that it is because facts absolutely do not matter whatsoever, so why bother?

The worst part of this year’s Fuck Marleau Campaign is that it was Bobo, also known as Bob McKenzie, fully bought into it, and because he is well respected, for whatever reason, people actually believed that this could ever be a possibility. I understand that bobo is old and impressionable, but that’s what makes Kurz even more evil.

Let’s look at the real facts to why Patrick Marleau would never leave San Jose

  1. He would have to make new friends: It is bad enough that San Jose trades away/acquires new players for Patrick Marleau to mingle with every single season, but how much worse would it be for him to go to a team where every single person is a stranger. As an avid believer in “Stranger Danger”, Patty would be incredibly lonely.
  2. He would have to shop at a new Target: Patrick Marleau exclusively buys everything from Target and takes pride in the fact that he knows where everything is in the store. It could take him months, maybe even years, to find his favorite brand of no fly underwear.
  3. He would have to memorize an entirely new Thomas Guide: In 2010, Patrick Marleau wiped away tears and ran to his wife and said “honey, I did it, I finally did it!” After 13 years of living in San Jose, he had finally memorized the San Jose portion of the Thomas Guide. He no longer had to pull over on the side of the road to figure out how to get to the nearest Eddie Bauer store. Do you think he wants to put in that much work again?
  4. He has a wife and 374 children: He just got a brand new house built in San Jose that could finally fit all of his mini-Patrick Marleau clones and though it is a popular belief, it is not a manufactured home that can be moved from town to town–His wife said no to that idea. It is cemented into the ground, just like he is cemented to the Sharks’ organization.
  5. Nickelback comes to San Jose 86 times a year: Patrick Marleau has stated that Nickelback is his most favorite concert he has ever been to and they conveniently play in San Jose all the goddamn time. Why would he give up his free private suite that he gets for all of their concerts at SAP?
  6. He does not like any other team’s jersey: Sure, the cartoon cat on the Florida jersey *always* makes him giggle, but he has stated several times that the shark on his sweater makes him feel as if he is intimidating. If he moved to another team he would have to use Alka-Seltzer like those kids in his favorite movie, Little Giants.
  7. His Ritual with Joe Pavelski: Whenever the Sharks’ travel for an away game, Patrick Marleau loves to spend the day before a game going to the local mall. Everyone on the team always thought this was silly, as Patty never buys anything, just window shops. Pavelski went with Marleau once in 2009 and actually found it to be quite relaxing, so now they go every away game.
  8. His active duty for the local neighborhood watch: He just got his whistle engraved with his initials and new shirts with the Shark logo which state, “San Jose Neighborhood Watch: We Take A Bite Out Of Crime”
  9. He really, really, really loves Joe Thornton, guys: He is Joe Thornton’s large adult son, and Thornton has stated that he is not leaving San Jose, so.
  10. He really likes pissing off Doug Wilson: Patty is not a spiteful, vengeful person by any means, but he loves giving Doug Wilson noogies and missing up his hair. Do you really think that stripping away the C and asking him to waive his NTC was about Poor Hockeying? Give me a break.

Long story short, Patty ain’t leavin’ folks, and Kevin Kurz has just been sent down to The Hockey Writers On A Conditioning Assignment.

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