Pacific Grim – Hockey’s Brightest Sons

October 3rd, 2015

Remember Pacific Grim? I didn’t either, I had to look back at past versions of the famed Canafornians three team only Pacific Division matchup feature to remember just exactly what the hell we did for these things. Turns out the format, mostly, is nonexistent. It’s just two out of the three of us getting into verbal jousts against each other and making fart jokes. Kinda like your twitter timeline, but without any character limits.

(though the character limits are still pretty low here, because I’m lazy and my command of the english language is only barely passable. luv to denigrate my character on line)

Speaking of twitter, friend of the blog, New York Rangers coach, and celebrated laugher Alain Vigneault set the hockey twittersphere (don’t call it that) abuzz this morning when asking assembled media in New York or wherever the hell he was if you would rather have Henrik Lundqvist or Brad Marchand as a son.

Vigneault’s query was great for a few reasons. Principally, it made a lot of insecure Bruins fans about as upset as they’ve been ever since Don Sweeney traded Dougie Hamilton to the Flames for nobody (and don’t worry, B’s fans, Dougie is going to be just fine in Flames silks. Say hi to Adam McQuaid for me). Secondly, tweets:

 

 

(insert any tweet from Ryan Lambert today)

Thirdly, well that’s actually about it, but it does afford us a lumbering and unhandy segue into the main theme of tonight’s Pacific Grim: Who are the best sons on the Flames and Sharks? And seeing as discussing Calgary hockey is just goddamn depressing right now, coupled with my  ever growing love for the Sharks that spawned at the outset of this blog’s birth, I’m definitely more inclined to do this right now.

The best son ever is Jarome Iginla. But fuck you, we need a current Flames son to throw into this tournament, and after almost no time thinking about it, I went with, probably quite obviously, Johnny Hockey.

View image | gettyimages.com
Mark Giordano is one of Johnny Gaudreau’s many dads
Look at Johnny. Look at him. He will forever be a son first, man second. He is the prodigal son. He is your son. He is my son. He is a son to Yaw Obeng, superintendent of public schools in Burlington, Vermont. His name is Johnny, for Christ’s sake. Not John. Not Johnathan. Johhny. No one but sons are named Johnny, and that’s a fact.

No one has a cleaner room than Johnny Gaudreau. He does all his chores and eats all his vegetables, and he listened attentively when you awkwardly stumbled through The Talk with him. He is such a good son that he didn’t even snicker when you mumbled the word “vargina”. You idiot.

And thanks to all the hard work and practice and listening to his coaches on the ice like a great son would do, Johnny has turned into a pretty fantastic hockey player, and the kind of son who thanks his parents for all the hard work and sacrifices they made to help him become the Man Son he is today. And it’s due to all that diligent effort, both on and off the ice that is going to propel Johnny into doing everything he can to help the Flames probably lose 3-2 at the fins of the Sharks tonight. Because while Johnny is the world’s greatest son, Bob Hartley is the World’s Most Obvious Fake Dad.

Three years running.

/drinks heavily

Here now is stace to tell us, perhaps quite acutely, why presumably Patrick Marleau is the better son. Let’s not listen.

Patrick Marleau is the best son because he is an avid believer in stranger danger and looks both ways while crossing the street. He has been nominated to go to the All-Star team five years in a row by his Little League team. He always does his chores, especially laundry, which is his favorite chore. He doesn’t mind doing his laundry for his teammates either, and his favorite saying is “I’ll put the starch in your step!”

Patrick Marleau has never come home past his curfew, in fact, he always makes a point to get home at least two hours before curfew. “Nothing good happens after the street lights turn on,” Patty always says. He’s a good boy. Always obeying the rules. In fact, he was nominated for Lady Byng two seasons ago because of how much he loves obeying the rules. He conceded his nomination because he felt that it would be important for someone else to win and spread the word about being a Good Boy.

A good son alway’s makes sure to iron his jeans before going to the county fair, and also always remember’s to wear a sweatshirt so he doesn’t get cold. The most noted Good Boy fact about this picture is that he his holding on tightly so that he does not get injured on this fast paced ride. Johnny Gaudreau could learn a lot from his big brother, but probably won’t because he is too busy doing drug’s.

Thanks stace. I think you might be right, and Johnny Hockey needs to stop doing drug’s and learn to be a better son from Patrick Marleau. And also Jarome Iginla, who is Patty’s twin brother best friend and is also a son and a very good boy. (I miss you forever Jarome)

Somewhere in all this was a detailed and analytical look at tonight’s game when these two very good boys go head to head with almost nothing at stake. I think we can all agree that no matter what the outcome of the game, everyone will have tried their best and had a fun time and will make all their parents, who will all surely be in the crowd watching with hot chocolate and demanding the opposition’s blood.

Because that’s what a good son does.

Brad Marchand is a rat faced hillbilly chud person who was created in a lab by just the worst scientists imaginable.

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