Sharks’ Fan Favorite Raffi Torres Suspended for 41 Games

April 3rd, 2015


Whatever will San Jose do without the prince of darkness? His pentagram encrusted mitts gave us a total of 5 regular season goals over the past two years. It may not be much, but it’s impressive considering that the host body of the anti-christ has never been given the opportunity to play hockey before. The suspension is really just a slap in the face for those who worship the devil.

Most people probably had no idea that Raffi Torres was still in the NHL, but the fact of the matter was that he has spent the majority of the past two years circumventing the league to live in his real home, the fiery pits of hell. Raffi couldn’t stand the cooler temperatures in San Jose (he’s been known to express how much he misses Arizona for their hell-like temperatures), so he has been faking injuries to spend time at home.

Torres was also sick of San Jose fans trying to mold him into a rehabilitated puppy. He worked hard to make a reputation for himself as the devil, but those who loved him the most don’t understand him AT ALL. He rejoiced in his hell retreat, but knew that eventually he would have to make a brief appearance back on Earth.

Raffi frequently told his demon acquiantances back home that he despises San Jose and resents his fanbase greatly for trying to make him seem Like A Nice Guy.

“I wore blackface and these people love me, I don’t fucking get it,” Raffi said, “I even injured one of their players years prior, and no one cares. What do I have to do? EAT HERTL?”

Raffi’s demon pals reassured him that he doesn’t have to be that extreme. “You have a history, Raffi,” said one faithful demon follower, “you could do anything on that ice and be free from the league and that disgusting fanbase once again.”

Raffi pondered and thought to himself, “how did I not think of this before? I must execute this brilliant plan immediately.”

Which lead to the preseason game that took place this past weekend. He scanned the roster to make sure that he targeted the most adorable player on the team (there’s no cute players on the ducks, so he settled for the one who is closest to the age of a newborn). With grace and elegance, he skated swiftly past 4 opposing teams, extended his big, powerful elbow, and leaped into his unsuspecting target’s head. An overwhelming feeling of ecstasy consumed his entire body, as he knew it would all be over soon.

The next day, he waited by his phone patiently to be contacted by the Department of Player Safety. Finally, deep into the afternoon hours, he received a call. “Raffi, we’re going to need you to fly here for a hearing.” Raffi, who was already in mid-flight back to hell, responded “fuck off, just give me the good news over the phone.” They stated, “we haven’t decided what the most fitting punishment is.” Raffi responded, “fuck off,” and hung up.

The very next day, Raffi received another call from the Department of Player Safety, letting him know that he will be suspended for 41 games. Raffi responded, “will you be making one of those suspension explanation videos? I need fap material.” “Sure Raffi,” DoPS responded. “Fuck you, see you in January motherfuckers,” Raffi laughs.

He’s been freed. After all the concern surrounding him from being freed the past two years, Sharks fans got their wish, even though their definition may be a little different. A news reporter managed to speak with Raffi before he made his final descent into hell.

REPORTER: Raffi, what will you be doing with your free time?

RAFFI: Trying to figure out how to get a goddamn lifetime ban. Does that kid McDavid play at NHL level yet?

[Reporter & Raffi laughs]

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