The San Jose Sharks As Actual Joses

August 3rd, 2014

Welcome, friends, to what is known as hockey blogging in late August. The postseason well off behind us on a distant, backwards facing horizon, of whose direction you never again intend on looking in. The draft, depending on who you cheer for perhaps comically come and gone, and free agency, well…that kinda sucked this year anyway, but golly, wouldn’t you appreciate something resembling a Cody Franson signing right about now so you could talk about it all day on twitter instead of attending to the relentless, mind numbing doldrums of your daily 9 to 5?

I know I sure would, because my life is very, very sad.

But we must push on in the absent of actual news, and someone around here has to provide you with some good ass content, and if all the big blogs out there aren’t going to do it, brother, The Canafornians have got you covered.

We’re here to provide a different, perhaps more inconsequential voice to the hockey blogosphere. Hell, some might call what we have to say downright stupid. To which I reply, fuck you.

You might say “boy you’d never see this on one of the bigger blogs”. To which I’d counter with, well duh.

This is one of those posts. Today, I present to you, complete with the lack of irony in which it was intended, If The San Jose Sharks Looked Like Actual Joses. Yes, I’m serious.

(editors note: none of the San Jose Sharks look like Jose Carreras. Apologies for the misleading title photo, opera fans)

Mike Brown As Jose Canseco

He’s big, he’s tough, he’s probably on steroids, and if Jose Canseco, ever had a mustache, you’d probably say “man, look at the Canseco on Mike Brown’s upper lip!” He’s Mike Brown.

Once again, I must remind you that no, you are not reading Buzzfeed right now.
Alex Stalock As Jose Theodore

Sure, Jose Theodore and San Jose pronounce the name differently, but we are loose with the rules. Check it out, I’m going to say ain’t. Ain’t. That’s journalistic integrity right there, folks.

Jose Theodore and Al Stalock are both goalies, and as we all know, all goalies look exactly like Ed Belfour, so using that logic, Jose Theodore and Al Stalock look exactly the same. Also, Stalock is probably going to end up playing for FUCKING EVERYBODY so they’ve got that in common too.
Joe Thornton As Jose Bautista


I mean, obviously. One is known as Jumbo Joe, the other Joey Bats. They can both grow beards. They are both extremely talented players who very publicly hate everything their General Managers do. And if you piss them off, they will destroy you. Both Joe Thornton and Jose Bautista say they love this post probably.

Finally, both men lay claim to being amongst the most talented players of their generation who will sadly probably never win a championship for their team, but we love them anyway. Steve Simmons hates both these men I think.

Let’s pause here for a moment to reflect on how amazing this thinkpiece has been so far.
Pete DeBoer as Jose Mourinho


Finally, as we’ve more or less run out of Joses we actually know, we have Pete DeBoer, who looks exactly like Jose Mourinho. They boath coach their respective teams, neither of them are particularly good, and while Jose Mourinho is known for having a wild temperament and making funny facial gestures, Pete DeBoer is known for probably something distinctive as well. This shit is uncanny.

Well, there you have it, friends of the Canafornian coast, that is the best we can do for hockey content in late August, and if you’re wondering if this is the best anyone can do at this time of year, well, you’re right. It is good to be back.

It’s going to be a good season, friends. Please take us seriously.

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