No no no, I know it is the day of our Lord and all, but I’m not talking about him.
Surprisingly not talking about him, although he did rise from the dead.
1 Peter 5:8 – Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
Raffi Torres aka the Angel of Darkness began his reign of terror on Holy Thursday. Leave it to the devil himself to do this on Jesus’ death birthday. He scored in the 2nd period during game one, which gave the Sharks a score of 4-0. Sharks fans rejoiced, Kings fans were annoyed, and I was of course laughing/cringing/crying. By the end of the second, the score was 5-0. Torres’ goal seemed meaningless enough and I thought to myself “well, at least his goal doesn’t really matter”….. This is probably the first time ever that I have been wrong*. Being that Torres is the devil, and he can hear my thoughts, he breathed his fiery asshole breath into the likes of the Kings at intermission, and the Kings actually took the ice during the third period. Since many members of the LA Kings organization worship Satan, they made a deal with the devil to make a comeback. Everybody knows not to make a deal with the devil. Idiots.
The Kings scored a couple minutes into the third. At this point, Sharks fans nor Kings fans gave a shit about Jake Muzzin’s goal. Four minutes later, Slava Voynov scored and this was very suspicious because Voynov has not played good hockey this season. Because of my bible colleging I did for four years, I remember a similar story from the New Testament and instantly caught on.
Then 14 minutes into the period, Trevor Lewis, the hero of the last Kings/Sharks series (#FuckCouture) made the score 5-3. Kings fans began to be hopeful, but I knew that the Sharks were not going to lose this game. When dealing with the Devil, the Devil and his needs always come first. Alas, the Sharks did not allow another goal, and…..
Revelation 20:20 – And the devil who had deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.
Tonight is game 2, which is also Easter, the resurrection of our Lord, or Zombie Jesus day, whichever you fancy. Assuming that the Kings attempt to make another idiotic attempt at dealing with the devil, Raffi Torres should get a hat trick tonight.
GO ZOMBIE JESUS
*Women are never wrong