Bestern Conference Quarterfinals Game 3: Sixes and Sevens

April 22nd, 2014

Quite the assembly of winnings there by Mr. Hertl. I’d say he’s been there before, wouldn’t you, Mike Modano?

So if you didn’t know (now you know), Game 3 of the epic tightly contested somewhat watched San Jose Sharks v. Reyes de Los Angeles matchup goes tonight in the hockey hotbed known as the Staples Center, awash with it’s Perrys, Ferrells, and Goodings Jr. all maybe in attendance unless another thing is happening. Seriously, as a hockey fan in HOCKEYMARKETINCANADA, what the fuck, California? Decrease in ticket prices? Pass those savings on over to me.

Minor quibbles aside, let’s get down to business here.

/adjusts tie

The LA Kings kind of suck.

Kings blogger and Los Angeles paramour The Royal Half had asked myself and Jeanshorts when the regular season ended if we’d like to contribute to TRH writing about the Kings, seeing, as he so eloquently put it “the playoffs aren’t coming to Canada”.

In my inifinite charm and jest, I replied “sure, what’s four more games?”

And we laughed and laughed and laughed and I cried a little bit, but then we laughed.

Things have taken on a more serious tone in Tinseltown, partly because this is a thing, but more because their beloved Kings have been absolutely Goliath’d by the Sharks, who have taken away LA’s stones (before Milan Lucic even had a chance, awwww)

Two things have happened early on in this series that have really set the tone for the Sharks 2 – nil lead:

  1. The Sharks have been very, very good
  2. The Kings have been very, very bad

It’s that kind of in-depth analysis that makes the Canafornians the award winning sports journal it is, and it is also, when you break it down, true. Every player who spent any amount of time on the ice at even strength in Game 2 (read: all of them) had more scoring chances for than against, and Pavelski – Thornton – Burns in particular ate the Brown – Richards – Carter line alive (as Sharks are wont to do). (fear the fin has all the nice looking fancy nerd math to back that up) At no point have the Kings outplayed the Sharks, and even in those brief times where they were ahead on the scoreboard before some truly inspiring collapses, the #FuckDustinBrowns were basically running wild on the same kind of luck that continues to keep Jimmy Kimmel employed.

In the Kings defense, Robyn Regehr sucks (it really really pains me to say that, but here we are), and it’s not their fault they thought they were playing actual Sharks, who lack the ability and dexterity and limbs to put on skates and move about a slippery surface that is outside of their natural habitat, instead of skilled forwards who can quell his oldish defense methods with relative ease. If they had done more than a cursory, Jay-Feaster-Interpreting-The-CBA skimming of the Sharks roster, they might have tried a different approach on the blue line.

I still love you Darryl, and I’m sorry.

And this is not to say the Kings are out. Of course they’re not. This is 2 games in (the most dangerous lead in sports!!!) and they’re a very good team who has been playing like a very bad team who also had their eyes shit in and their legs encumbered by blood sucking megaleeches. And you can just cut those off. Shit wipes clean. They’re not going to sit idly by and let the Shorks hang another 6 goals on them, not with the best goalie in th….okay maybe they will. After all, Mike Brown is rolling, and when that happens, people die.

It’s just, if this trend continues, I don’t see how LA climbs out of the sinkhole. If they intend on rolling a line of Clifford – Nolan – and Fraser against FUCKING ANYONE FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME, or play Matt Greene as a forward, the outlook isn’t all that stellar. Maybe they’ve got Bailey sitting in wait planning to devour Extraordinarily Gentlemanly Patrick Marleau upon arrival at the Staples Center. If that shithead thinks he’s so deserving of best mascot if that’s thing which it probably somehow is, that’d be a pretty goddamn good way to earn it.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. Gametime is 7 o’clock local, if local is that state you live in where the only snow you ever see is under the noses of the cast of Twilight at the ChaCha Lounge. Be there, or be like everyone else in California who probably isn’t watching anyway. (Seriously, playoff ticket prices REDUCED? Fuck you, Cali)

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