Pacific Grim: This Game Literally Means Nothing

April 13th, 2014


Check out all of these fantastic moments in the latest Battles of Alberta that have ultimately meant nothing since the 90’s.

Okay, look, of course, it’s the Flames, it’s the Oilers, it’s the same tired jokes we’ve all endured since we were all young children, and of course it matters. Provincial pride is on the line. Us vs. them. North vs. South. Cowtown vs. Mushroomville. Criminals vs. Calgarians. It’s a big deal.

But we all know how this season has gone. For both teams. We’re all frustrated, we’re all tired of this shit, and we all yearn for the days when these games meant more than bragging rights until the next game.

Everyone is tired about thinking about the future. Fuck the future. Live in the now.

So what is there to look for in tonight’s Pacific Grim: Battle of Alberta edition? Well, basically just drinking and trolling.

Let’s just come up with a checklist of things you have to drink for when they happen in this game.

  1. Drink when Ladislav Smid scores on the Oilers.
  2. When Ladislav Smid scores FOR the Oilers.
  3. When someone inevitably makes a joke about how the Oilers have 5 Cups to the Flames 1
  4. Drink when I reply to that joke that we were all too young to remember the last time anyone won any of those Cups
  5. Drink when Luke Gadzic or whatever the fuck his name on one punch KO’s somebody while “protecting the kids” (drink two if it’s Kevin Westgarth he KOs. Again)
  6. There will be a streaker tonight. Drink.
  7. Drink if you fall asleep before the third period.
  8. Drink if you fall asleep after the third period.
  9. Taylor Hall has a funny face. Drink
  10. Joni Ortio is gone? Drink forever!

You know, and so forth.

Typically during Pacific Grim matchups, we place tiny little wagers on the game, things the loser has to do while the victor (usually me /trollface) gets to sit back and laugh and document the process on twitter so everyone else can laugh at probably stace. This one though, man, haven’t both Jeanshorts and I suffered enough?

The answer is no, but we’re lazy and didn’t think of anything. So the bet for this game is that the loser still has to keep cheering for his stupid team, while the winner can pretend they were Sharks fans all along in the playoffs, and not just jumping on the bandwagon.

I don’t know guys, I kinda phoned this one in. Kinda like the Flames and Oilers have done all year. All 6 years.

/Never Stops Crying/Drinking

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