PACIFIC GRIM: *disinterested shoulder shrug*

April 6th, 2014

The Sharks have locked up a playoff spot and are on the verge of another DIVISIONAL CHAMPION BANNER!

The Oilers are the worst, and have locked up a top 3 draft pick for the 25th year in a row.

Who cares?

Here’s a bunch of Mitch Hedberg jokes.

25. This is what my friend said to me, he said “I think the weather’s trippy.” And I said “No, man. It’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should have just said… ‘Yeah.’”

24. This one commercial said “Forget everything you know about slip covers,” so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn’t know what the fuck they were.

23. Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he’s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn’t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That fucker wasted lots of time at school. ‘Cause I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl.

22. Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr Pepper. But it’s the bullshit replica because dude didn’t even get his degree! [Listen]

21. I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.

20. You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say “Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.” And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. “Dufrane, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry – that’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.”

19. I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”

18. I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

17. I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

16. I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

15. I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.

14. I order the club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

13. You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

12. One time a guy handed me a picture, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

11. I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

10. I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.

9. I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.

8. I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

7. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought “Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog.” I would never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, “Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.” [Listen]

6. I had one anchovy. That’s why I didn’t have two anchovies.

5. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said “No… but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.”

4. I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.”

3. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

2. Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

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