Olympacific Grim: America’s Funniest Home Videos Edition!

April 5th, 2014

We’ve got laughs from coast to coast
To make you smile
A real life look at each of you
To capture all that style
You’re the red, white and blue
The funny things you do
America, America this is you
Stories from your friends next door
They never told
You might be a star tonight
So let that camera roll
You’re the Red, White and Blue
Oh the funny things you do
America, America this is you

Ladies and Gentlemen
Bob Saget!

Bob Saget: Hello and welcome to America’s Funniest Home Videos! Now it’s no secret that Team USA is doing really well and I want you to know that it’s not going to their heads.

Bob Saget: Now let’s get started with some pretty funny takes of problems around Team USA, and I’m not just talking about Brooks Orpik.

[Crowd laughs hysterically]

[Old timey piano music playing in background]

Bob Saget: *in high pitched voice* Oh I wonder what the Mrs. is making for dinner tonight! WHOOOOPS!! OH GEEZ ice sure can be slippery!

Bob Saget: The audience that wouldn’t stop applauding, tonight at 8. Anyway, in our next clip, things certainly seem to get….Fowl.

[Circus music playing in background]

Bob Saget: *Cam in Grandma voice*  I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP! *Hampus in European accent* A-ha-ha-ha don’t use those moves at the discotheque, no?

[Crowd erupts in laughter]

Bob Saget: Don’t go away, the worst is yet to come!

[Crowd still dying laughing]

Bob Saget: America’s Funniest Home Videos: Act two, Scene one! Bob smiles and says “welcome back” a-ha! Well here’s something interesting, man is 70% water, the other 30% is attitude! Well you’re gonna fall in love with next guy as he fails to add to his 70%.

Bob Saget: *in Hillbilly voice* Oh boy I sure am thirsty! HEY I THOUGHT I FILLED MY WATER BOTTLE! Derrrr de derrrrrr!

Bob Saget: Thank you, thank you very little! For our next clip, this guy proves that you don’t need to be in a pool to make a splash!

Bob Saget: *in horse track announcer voice* Across the board, Kesler is favored! He’s coming out of the gate quick and his opponent is gaining ground and OOOHHHHHHHH! Not a pretty sight to see here, folks. He’s gonna need to be put down.

[Crowd dies of laughter]

Bob Saget: [revs engine] Welcome back! For this next clip, this guy finds a new form of transportation that gets more gas mileage than a motorcycle!

Bob Saget: Dashing on the ice with a one dog open skate, towards the goal I go, to high five my teammate. HA-HA-HA!


BOY that sure was a great episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Oh yeah, the game. No I don’t want to talk about the women’s hockey final and yes Team USA men’s will win. If I lose, I have to relentlessly tweet at a person of my Canafornian counterpart’s choice and vice versa. It’s going to be another epic twitter day!

Rock, Flag and Eagle, baby!

Fuck you, Jean & Floob.

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