Olympacific Recap: How Do You Do Better Than Gold?

April 3rd, 2014

In reference to the title, you eliminate Mike Modano. We’ll get to that. Patience, my children, papa bear’s gonna feed you.

So let’s make this as positive as we can for Canafornians. Quick and easy (except not Quick, because, well): Canada wins. The San Jose Sharks win. Everyone around the office is pretty happy with the outcome today.

You all know what happened by now, so we’re not going to get into it, but I have a few thoughts I thought I’d mete out, just so I have something to say hockey related until I get to the real treat of this piece:

  • Canada SEVERELY outchanced every opponent in every game they played in the tournament. The scorelines, at least before today, never really showed it on their own, but they were straight up dominant.
  • Which made it hilarious when people were worried because of the lack of goal scoring and the lack of Crosby goal scoring, but hey, such is Canada. We’re acid trip in Candyland paranoid until the gold medal is around the neck of our heroes, and until they have those gold plated discs that we covet so dearly firmly entrenched on their persons, they’re all just a bunch of hacks who aren’t doing enough
  • (On a related note: Glenn Healy called Patrick Kane a selfish player in the bronze medal game, and though I could be wrong, he’s made similar claims about Alex Ovechkin before. This is not true in either case and is just a tired narrative from a bitter ex player who had the benefit of having the best seats in the house to virtually every hockey game he ever played in yet still can’t transition that unique perspective into rational analysis. It would be funny to see what he would say if either of those two were Canadian, becauOH never mind, we know, because Jeff Carter’s a good Canadian kid who shoots a lot and generates offense. Get out of our country Glenn, no one knows why you’re here in the first place)
  • Crosby was just fine all tournament, donkeys. The goals weren’t there, but if nothing else, his line very seldomly put their team behind the 8 ball. But man, when he did score, oh Sid you are adorable.
  • So do the Americans have to take Bieber back then? I wasn’t really paying attention to that one.
  • I think if I were an NHL goaltender of any caliber, I’d want to have my partner be Roberto Luongo. Goalie controversies surround that guy, but it’s only those tenders in question that dissent to feeling any effects of it. Lou seems to play a huge role in that. I get the feeling he and Carey Price now share a bond of friendship so deep that it rivals that of us superfriends here in Canafornia (we still love each other more)
  • Speaking of which, Carey Price is a mensch. I don’t get how there’s anyone out there who doesn’t love that guy. This is going to really establish Price as one of the best goalies in the game. Whether that’s justified or not remains to be seen, because as far as we’ve come with evidence based models for evaluating players, we still have no fucking clue how to evaluate goalies.
  • (As an example: Ryan Miller played 0 seconds of Olympic hockey. Jonathan Quick was just fine, bronze medal assailing aside, but I mean, really, how did that happen?)
  • You realize we all have to go back to cheering for our pedestrian NHL teams now, right? Holy lord fuck I’m a Flames fan, what am I going to do?
  • NEVER. TAKE. CLARITIN.
  • You’re okay, Chris Kunitz, just don’t make it so I ever have to talk about you ever again.
  • #HudlerScoresThere
  • #BacklundScoresThere
  • The NHL will be back in 2018, are you H damn kidding me? There’s a lot of pundits who have jumped on this excessively rich chestnut, which was predictable when John Tavares’ leg exploded, but it’s just not going to happen. I know The Isles are pissed about losing Tavares and Ed Snider is an abrasive old codger who yells at the Olympics to get off his lawn, but the NHL has too much to gain from these tournaments and the fans love it, so the owners might be S.O.L. on this one. Still, they’re a union of rich assholes, so they’re used to getting their way. They’ll be scheming something in their secret underground lair hidden beneath Mount Unpleasantus.
  • In fact, the idea of NOT sending NHLers to Korea terrifies me. Nobody wants to see Lonny Bohonos take on Yan Statsny in the pivotal Canada vs. USA quarterfinal.

Okay, I think that’s all I’ve got. Now for what I feel is the platinum cherry on top of the sundae that is Canada’s gold medal. You may recall stace and I made a bet on the women’s gold medal game, and well, you can see the results of that here. It was awesome. (Incidentally, someone in the Orange County region has been taking down those posters that I spent a good 3 minutes creating, which is a gutsy move by someone with some steel balls to be messing with the world’s Truest Superpower in such a defiant manner)

Similarly, stace and Jeanshorts engaged in a small wager themselves for the Canada – USA men’s semifinal, and, well if you haven’t seen it, you’re in for a treat, followed by a Shyalamanesque twist ending. The bet, concocted by the brilliant mind of one Book of Loob (truly a handsome devil whose looks are dwarfed by nothing but his own cunning wit and superior intellect), was for the representative of the losing party (which we all knew was going to be stace and “Murrca, like let’s be honest here) to seek out a fellow patriot on the twitter machine and berate them incessantly with waves of tedium and minutia pertaining to the winning country (in this case, Canada. Derr)

So if the USA won (nope. SchadenfreUSA! USA!), Jean was going to have to let one Mr. Michael Buble (pronounced Bew Blay) just how great Rock Flag And Eagle is. Thankfully this grim reality exists only in parallel universes far sadder than the ones we habituate in now.

Meaning that when Canada bested their southern counterparts (this was such a safe bet, oh my goodness), stace had to “tweet Canadian” at everyone’s favourite American asshole ex-player, Mike Modano. The Mike Modano, the former sniper beloved by hundreds upon hundreds of no one.

The results are , unf, delicious:

Oh, I want it in my belly. I want to eat this. It is tantalizingly good.

Because this is the internet and it’s a virtual international waters of rules and degrees of officialism, we’re using this platform afforded to us and are expressly declaring that stace, of the base, Canafornian extraordinaire, has officially ousted Mike Modano from twitter. Guess he’s just never been there before and didn’t know how to act.

A Modanope version of twitter means we’ve all won a gold medal here today, citizens of earth. Next up, stace intends to take down Jeremy Roenick. Feel free to help.

Canada wins gold. Fuckin’ rights, bud. Fucking’ rights.

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