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National Hockey League Players As Actual Tilda Swintons

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Have you ever watched a hockey game and realized “holy shit, that player looks like Tilda Swinton”? Me too! Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have an entire roster of hockey players who look like Tilda Swinton? Me too!

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Daniel Sedin – Henrik Sedin – Corey Perry

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Joakim Nordstrom – Mikael Granlund – Michael Ryder

second line

Patrik Elias – Cody Eakin – Alex Chiasson

fourth line

Raffi Torres – Lars Eller – Mikael Samuelsson

top pair

Brian Campbell – Ronalds Kenins

bottom pair

Gustav Forsling – John Klingberg

middle pair

Hampus Lindholm – Christian Ehrhoff

Cory Schneider

Corey Schneider

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Frederik Andersen

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Joonas Korpisalo

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Head Coach Dave Cameron

…Sorry for the impending nightmares

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Enforcers, You’re Dying Out, But I Kind Of Appreciate You.

The Pacific Division reigns in the All Star Game and it’s no surprise to anyone, with the exception of those who follow the NHL and know that the Pacific has been the worst division this season. It’s almost poetic in the sense that all the other divisions feel so high and mighty over the disaster that is the Pacific, but cannot beat them in a scrimmage. BLESS UP. None of it would have been possible without our very own captain John Scott, who is the MVP of the weekend and the MVP of many hearts. Continue reading

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The Top 600 Things About Jarome Iginla

Jarome Iginla rules. You know it, I know it, Jeanshorts knows it. I don’t think Joe W. Garrett, Deputy Co-commissioner of Revenue at the Alabama Department of Revenue knows it, but we’re determined here at the Canafornians to wear that doubting son of a bitch wrong.

As it happens, Jarome and his really hilariously not very good Colorado Avalanche host your heroic and also not very good Calgary Flames tonight, and wouldn’t you know it, ol’ Iggy is stuck on 599 goals in his illustrious career heading into action tonight.

The hockey gods need to do their job tonight and allow Jarome to score his 600th goal against the team who brought him to the dance (thanks again, Dallas!), but the hockey gods are fickle shitheads that laugh in our face after we complain about their impropriety. Hoe many goals does Sam Bennett have to have taken away from him before this team has it’s curse lifted?

Regardless, there are a billion amazing things about Jarome Iginla, and I thought, in honour of his impending 600th goal, I’d list off, you guess it, 600 of those things. I’m pretty sure I’m serious. Here goes! Continue reading

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Canafornians Gameday: The Farts Awaken

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I promise you there will be literally no more Star Wars talk in this post.

With tonight being the last night of NHL action before the Christmas break (also known as the “Almost Nobody In The Movie Theater” Break depending on your feelings on now only vaguely Christian holiday plans), and with two of the three Canafornian teams in action at zero hour, I thought it would be nice to check in to remind you that a) I’m on Christmas Break and no on likes me so I have free time, and b) stuff is happening in our little corner of the Pacific Division that is only kinda bad and still worth paying attention to but not really!

Also, the Oilers don’t play tonight, so to summarize what’s going on with them, I don’t know. maybe go break your shoulder and see if anything comes to mind.

(PS There will absolutely be more Star Wars talk. I was trying to lure you into a warm and fuzzy false sense of security, like the inside of a TaunTaun)

Continue reading