As I’ve written more and more about hockey over the last several months, it has been a hell of a ride. It’s great getting feedback from people, and even the fact that people are interested in what I have to say, is something I cannot fully comprehend. Even if I get a positive response from things I do, I still am just completely horrified. I haven’t felt this insecure about something in a long, long time. It’s agonizing really.
I know that the things I write about aren’t for everyone, and I know that it can piss off a lot of people, and that part is fun. I care about those who I have made friends with as I’ve interacted more with other hockey fans, those who have been supportive, those who are just as passionate about the sport as I am, and hell, people who are brilliant writers who I respect so much and look up to. People who make me want to strive to be a better writer.
I’m not saying in any way, shape or form that I do not like writing, I love writing. It’s just flat out scary. Feeling passionately about something and putting 100% of yourself in something you care so deeply about is a horrifying thing. The same can be said about careers, relationships, friendships, etc. The fear of rejection is just always there, at least for me that is.
I don’t want this to seem like I cannot take any negative feedback for the things that I do, say or write. I welcome it. I want to know what I can do to be better. It’s the silence that kills me. The amount of overanalyzing that I do can be paralyzing at times. I think it’s just my personality and how I am. I’ve generally have been this way about everything my entire life and it is something that I struggle with on a daily basis.
With all that being said, I love writing about hockey. The people that I’ve met and interacted with has made everything well worth it, and motivates me to continue doing what I do. It feels good to do something that you love and you’re proud of. It feels good to be so invested in hockey and to have the courage to write about something you care about. I generally am preceived as an extrovert but in actuality it takes a lot for me to put myself out there, and hockey has helped alleviate some of those fears.
I love this whole thing, it’s just scary as hell.