Bestern Conference Quarterfinals Game 3: Sixes and Sevens

Quite the assembly of winnings there by Mr. Hertl. I’d say he’s been there before, wouldn’t you, Mike Modano?

So if you didn’t know (now you know), Game 3 of the epic tightly contested somewhat watched San Jose Sharks v. Reyes de Los Angeles matchup goes tonight in the hockey hotbed known as the Staples Center, awash with it’s Perrys, Ferrells, and Goodings Jr. all maybe in attendance unless another thing is happening. Seriously, as a hockey fan in HOCKEYMARKETINCANADA, what the fuck, California? Decrease in ticket prices? Pass those savings on over to me.

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WCQF GAME 2: HE IS RISEN

Jedi Jesus

No no no, I know it is the day of our Lord and all, but I’m not talking about him.

Surprisingly not talking about him, although he did rise from the dead.

Raffi+Torres+u6hEI8CPjcnm

1 Peter 5:8 - Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Raffi Torres aka the Angel of Darkness began his reign of terror on Holy Thursday. Leave it to the devil himself to do this on Jesus’ death birthday. He scored in the 2nd period during game one, which gave the Sharks a score of 4-0. Sharks fans rejoiced, Kings fans were annoyed, and I was of course laughing/cringing/crying. By the end of the second, the score was 5-0. Torres’ goal seemed meaningless enough and I thought to myself “well, at least his goal doesn’t really matter”….. This is probably the first time ever that I have been wrong*. Being that Torres is the devil, and he can hear my thoughts, he breathed his fiery asshole breath into the likes of the Kings at intermission, and the Kings actually took the ice during the third period. Since many members of the LA Kings organization worship Satan, they made a deal with the devil to make a comeback. Everybody knows not to make a deal with the devil. Idiots.

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WCQF Game 1: Alternate 2014

A little bit of pump up music for ya donkeys from the best trilogy evah*

Greetings Canafornians!

As the only team in Canafornia to make the playoffs, I have to continue writing while Jean and Floob get to suck back some molsons and eat timbits with visions of playoff hockey dancing in their heads. The San Jose Sharks are playing short-term champions, long-term assholes, the Los Angeles Kings in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. The Los Angeles Kings, for many years, have been comparable to McDonalds. As a child, I enjoyed McDonalds because it was the only thing that I knew and that was around; McDonalds was a big deal for me and my peers in the late 80′s, early 90′s. Once better fast food started becoming available to me, I instantly forgot about McDonalds. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed McDonalds every once and a while, but mostly for its shitty toys and disease infested ball pit. Now that I’m an adult, I do crave McDonalds every so often, but now when I do, it’s nothing but regret, stomach pains, and horrible diarrhea. McDonalds used to be fun, but now it’s just unbearable, and won’t fucking go away. If I had the choice between McDonalds and Wienerschnitzel, I would pick McDonalds, because Wienerschnitzel is fucking disgusting and made of pig scraps and rat feces (obviously Wienerschnitzel is the Anaheim Ducks of fast food but we’ll talk about that another day).

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BREAKING KNEWS

After last night’s stupid loss to stupid Anaheim, my heart began to prepare itself for its annual breaking; the San Jose Sharks of course drew the Los Angeles Kings for the first round, due to the stupidity of the new playoff formatting. I began making my “Sharks’ Playoff Excuses” bingo card until I saw this beauty*: 

*This is probably the only tweet by Kurz that hasn’t made me cringe

HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK HERTL IS BACK
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Flames Gameday: Maplefreude

kessel(Phil Kessel, who may or may not be in the lineup tonight)

stace and Jeanshorts spent a good deal of time arguing about who should have to write about the Pacific Grim matchup tonight, and I think eventually one of them may have taken charge on it (although I don’t know for sure), but rest assured, Canafornians, Flooby is not one to hum and haw about gameday posts. Esepcially when the Flames take on the scourge of the hockey world, which they will tonight, or, well let’s call it late afternoon, because the Eastern Conference is the fucking worst.

I couldn’t NOT write about your Calgary Flames taking on the Bloronto Blaple Bleafs tonight, because oh my god it’s a delicious morsel of a story.  If you haven’t been paying attention to the Leafs of late, a) you obviously don’t live in Canada because apparently you have a choice in the matter. and b) you might want to start because it’s been a heartwarming tale in generosity, a team who had it all that decided to throw it all away for no real reason.

Yes, the Leafs are in free fall mode right now, trying to avoid their 9th loss in a row when the Flaming C rolls into the Air Canada Center at 5 PM Mountain Time (seriously, die in a fire Eastern time zone), and if you need or want to read that again, I said trying not to lose NINE GAMES in a ROW. Is that even possible? We’ll find out tonight.

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