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The Pittsburgh Penguins As Actual Pens

For the Stanley Cup Final, it is imperative that Canafornia brings you, the reader, some Good Ass Content. Most of us on the West Coast don’t pay attention to the Pittsburgh Penguins, because Eastern Conference hockey is trash, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to get to know some of the players on their team. I Present To You, The Pittsburgh Penguins As Actual Pens:

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Way to go, NHL

I’m going to go ahead and complain right now because it’s my blog and I can do as I please with it. I’ve been a fan of the San Jose Sharks for a long time. Maybe not as long as some of the fans, but a pretty long time. I have suffered through many devastating playoff losses and many down right ridiculous roster moves, transactions and “blow-ups”. I have continued to support this team because through thick and thin, I believed that deep down they would one day be able to make me proud in the Stanley Cup Final and hoist the cup. This year is finally the year. The year that I have been waiting for in all the years that I’ve been a fan. The year that the city of San Jose has been waiting for these past 25 years. Year in and year out, disappointment after disappointment, the moment we are waiting for is here, and guess what? Most of us won’t even be able to go, and it’s all thanks to you, NHL.

Contrary to the belief that everyone in the Sharks’ fan base is a wealthy tech nerd, that is absolutely not the case. A lot of us have modest jobs, and do what we can to afford to barely get by. We work our asses off 40+ hours a week so we can have decent lives, and we escape from our work lives through hockey. We give our extra money to paying for jerseys, tickets, NHL subscriptions, etc., and the way that we are thanked, as fans, is for the NHL to sell a majority of their tickets to resellers, so they can screw over those who have been dreaming of this cup run for years, even decades. These resellers have been doubling, tripling, quadrupling the prices to make a profit, and sure, some people can afford these prices, but there is a whole subset of this fan base who is getting completely screwed over due to the greed.

I’m sure that this happens every year, and I’m just now noticing because hey, I haven’t had the opportunity to have my team get this far, but it really is awful. I’m sure someone will read this and be like “lazy ass millennial, wanting handouts”: I work 45-50 hours a week at a tough ass, emotionally demanding and physically draining job, with okay pay, and I would not like to be put in the position of “either don’t pay your rent next month or don’t live out your life long dream”. It’s fucked up and unfair.

I’m not saying that we should all get free tickets and everyone should dance under a rainbow; I’m saying that fans should at least be given a fucking chance without having to purchase a season ticket package when you live 700 miles away or buying from a reseller for quadruple face value. It’s bullshit. Goodbye.

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El Juego Siete

I REALLY AM. I know that this is typed by Homer right before he goes insane due to the lack of beer and TV (which I totally get), but I am Feelin’ fine. I’ve been down this road many times. Every postseason has led to the inevitable Anxiety-Driven-Sickening-Pit-Of-My-Stomach-Please-Let-Me-Pass-Out-And-Die-In-My-Sleep elimination game. I mean, everyone has been there if you’re a sports fan, but this is especially true of the San Jose Sharks variety. I can’t tell you a time where I’ve ever thought, “yeah, this will end well….” in a non-sarcastic manner. Especially game sevens. Game sevens are singlehandedly the greatest and worst thing about sports (haha just kidding, The Wave is the worst thing about sports). All the time that you spend watching a team, no matter how bat shit crazy they drove you throughout the year, leads up to this very moment.

I can’t say that I’m surprised by how Nashville has done in this series. They had a lot of momentum by hilariously eliminating the Anaheim Ducks last round after trailing in the series 3-2 and beating them in game 7 at home and that can make anyone feel like spring chickens. I mean, just ask Detroit, Los Angeles, and Chicago…. but the thing is that we all knew it was going to happen and as gross as it may sound, I know that feeling. I can empathize with Anaheim Ducks fans. Good God Lemon. Continue reading

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The Calgary Flames As Actual Garys

As the NHL campaign rolls on and we inch ever closer to the chaos that is the postseason, it’s no surprise to see media publications and blogs ramp up their coverage of this beautiful game and delve deeper into what is happening across the league.

Seeing as the Canafornians are a behemoth and all three teams that we cover are having truly fantastic seasons, we are, as always, the gold standard in this regard. With every passing day (or few days or months or whatever) we here at your favourite daily (or weekly or sporadic or whatever) record add to our ever growing collection of good ass content. Assuming you’ve read our award winning series on (Things The Sharks) (Look Like), you’ll know that we are geniuses who come up with this stuff after conducting serious research and in no way are inspired by the hilariously awful content of other, nameless once great blogs who have fallen into deep disrepair.

Indeed, we, The Canafornians, the original squad of super friends hockey fblog, look to continue good assing today with the next installment of this legendary series, The Calgary Flames As Actual Garys.

Buckle up. Gary would want you to. Continue reading